Listening is an Art

Since all of us have ears and quite readily engage in conversation, there is a belief we actually know how to listen. Yet what most often passes for listening is a bit more like tennis than dancing. In tennis the players each wait for their opponent to drive the ball across the net, then take their best swing. It is probably true that really good tennis players will pay attention to the spin their opponent is placing on the ball, as well as the power of that person's stroke. But bottom line is that what really matters is what I do with my racquet when the ball finally arrives. In dancing, unless one is committed to stepping on one's partner's toes, it is important to follow the subtle movement conveyed by touch, perhaps by look. One may lead, may follow, but both partners have to commit themselves to listening to the music and to the shared experience of moving in space.

Listening isn't simply waiting for an opportunity to speak. It is about attending to the speaker with full attention, noting expressions, tone of voice, word choice, emotion. It can even be helpful to attend to posture to read the speaker's state. The listener’s first responsibility is to understand both the meaning of the words being spoken and the feelings conveyed with those words. It is only when one has accurately understood what was spoken that a response is warranted; unless, of course, the object of the exchange is to argue.

Perhaps you’ve been taught the technique of reflective listening. One person makes a statement and the second person expresses what they understand the first person meant. The object is not to echo the first person’s words but to paraphrase. The first person then gives feedback, clarifying points that may have been unclear in the second person’s statement. The process continues until the first person is satisfied that the second person has understood the statement. Only then will the second person formulate a response.

If every conversation followed that script we may find perfect understanding, but it would be easy to become frustrated. There is value in the exercise, nonetheless, because it breaks the rather automatic babble that so many of us engage in with both family and friends. If our attention during conversation is on judging our partner, or critiquing the form of the message, it will be impossible to receive what is being offered. We owe it to the people in our lives to slow down, take a deep breath, put our ideas and prejudices aside and simply listen. You can trust the fact you’ll be able to compose your thoughts and respond cogently without having to spend your listening time planning what you’ll say.

Beyond the benefits of more congenial communication, the real gold that comes from effective listening is empathy, which itself is a step along the way to compassion. When we don’t listen, we simply forfeit the opportunity to really get to know this other person sitting before us. Paying attention both to words and the feeling tone of the words is the beginning of insight. And as we gain insight into this person sitting in front of us, we can appreciate our human bond. Being human isn’t incidental, it is at the heart of experience. We may belong to different political parties, attend different churches, cheer for competing sports teams, but we all deal at some time in our lives with joy, disappointment, longing, love and loss. As is clear to anyone really paying attention to this journey we all share, ultimately everyone and everything we love will be lost to us, either through our own passing or the passing of the other. Buddhists meditate on the vase already broken simply because change is the only constant of life. It is an illusion to believe otherwise.

Listening is an art. It gives us an opportunity to meet the people with whom we share this remarkably precious gift of life. Give it a try and you’ll discover the truth of what I say.